My Thoughts In 19 Years: Ch. 2, Lack Of Emotion

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If the first chapter is mostly talking about materialistic. This time, it will be about emotions.

As the only female sibling in the family, you develop emotions around your circle. In this case, family members. There are two type of emotions that I’m aware, the radical and the artificial.

The radical being the emotion that is born in you, like you get it from your parents. And the artificial being the emotion that you take in from your surrounding as you grow up. That can change at anytime, because it’s not permanent. It’s not in you. No need to hate it, because as everyone says, you can control your emotion.

Emotions is not just about being happy or sad, not just emotions shown on your face. But also in your instinct, in your mind. Ah, I just realized, basically an emotion is firstly down in to your mind and then transferred to your face. That’s the simple explanation I could get.

As a kid, I used to be so cheerful and active. I had so many friends, guys and girls. I was fearless and nothing stopped me from playing all day. Even thought it’s been fifteen years since than, more or less. I still remember some of my life and those which I cherish until now. You could never go wrong from cherishing a memories of your childhood, either it was bad or good.

Would you like to know mine? I’ll let you know some even if you don’t wanna read it.

I once fell from a cherry tree (it’s not the red cherry you know) and landed my head on a rock. Of course I bleed. The story was, none of my friends wanted to climb up or more like they can’t climb up the tree. Just so you know, I used to be a pro at climbing a tree. So, they boosted me up while doing it secretly since the tree was just across from my house and I was afraid to get caught by my father. I guess you can say it’s a karma, I ended up jump over the tree and fell down right on the rock, it hit my forehead.

This is what the tree looks like.

That was one and I think that’s it for now. Are you good at climbing a tree or anything? I would love to hear your memorable childhood memories. You must one that you couldn’t forget. Don’t be hesitate to share. Everyone loves a good childhood memories.

Back to the topic, since I was a kid I’m not good at expressing my emotions. I used to have a sullen face whenever I got photographed, because I’m not confident in front of a camera, but I’m progressing (Yeay!).

Because I have two brothers and we have a huge age gap between us, we don’t really get along that well. We have a seven years difference on each of us and that is the lacking of interaction for me. Because of that, I think that’s why we couldn’t properly express our feelings.

And as I grow, I don’t have anyone but my mother to lean on. Being the only daughter, I bound to share the responsibility with my mother as now I am capable of doing thing in the household. That thought was so old-fashioned, don’t you think. A man can very much do what woman can.

Being the youngest and only daughter, I feel burdened. Because, my parents only have me to depend on (not materialistically) and when I don’t tend their needs, I feel so devastated. I blame myself for not attend their needs like I suppose to. So, that is one of the reason. If I let my guard down in front of them, I know I will lose it.

For all the daughters out there who is still taking care of your parents, you are so brave. And for those who are an only child. We are doing great up until now. Don’t give up just yet.

I saw this saying on IG; “As long as you still can see the smile on your mother, your life is going to be fine.“
And I can’t agree more with this.

We can agree and disagree, not everyone’s opinion and thought are like me. But this is a part of me what grow on me in my life until now.

Let’s keep in touch here.

Till next time, friends.

• Today’s blog song?

1. Camila Cabello – First Man
   (This song always got me in tears every time I listen to it. So perfect for this blog related)

Rebellion On Pre-adulthood

You are probably wondering, “What’s with the title, bruh?”
Oh, I haven’t use that word in a long time. Bruh, that word started to be my phrase when I am so into One Direction back then.

As I am now going to be in my young adult life, of course everything shifted little by little. I don’t want to say that it changes, because it’s not that drastic. I have my concern and also the positive life out of it. But everyone’s thought are different, right? Just like when you read this piece of my thought right now.

So, rebellion.
My kind of rebellion is nothing major, but there’s a result out of it.

If you don’t know, I am so into coloring my hair at the moment. I like to try new color after another and not that I have done much. But it have been a couple colors I tried. There’s a loving side and hate side of it too.

You could say that I’m a perfectionist, but also a ‘don’t care’ person. Our brain are always thinking every second of every minute and hour of everyday. You can’t predict what’s you’re going to think, but you can control it.

My first thought of wanting to dye my hair started when I was in middle school and that when I understand internet better, instagram for example. I had my first instagram account when I was in middle school and that’s when the surfing begin in the world of pictures coming in every second.

From there, I always told my mom that I want to dye my hair and she gave me a green light for it. But, I was so scared that it will damage my hair, that was my first doubt. And besides, I couldn’t do it since I was enroll under the government school. So, it was impossible unless I want to cover it. And at that time, I don’t want to since I am so proud of my hair.

Years passed and I was finally in high school. Internet got dangerous as we grow and learn more about them. Nowadays, we need to be careful to use an internet. Just a slightest wrong move, we can end up behind bar. So, please everyone, use the internet wisely.

After being tempted looking at picture on instagram, I finally gave in. I bought a dye box which I think everyone will use when you dye your hair at home.

This is the first stage.

And I got greedy and wanting more, so I did. Those are when I did it in high school.

2017

After I graduated, the desire just keep on building inside of me. So, that’s when I go for a full bleach and dye hair.

First thought, it was great. But as time passes, do I regret it? Kind of. So, after knowing the result of the dye box, I upgraded my bleach. I used Makarizo and got a fantastic result at first stage of bleaching. It was not enough lift, but I wanted to color my hair so bad. So I didn’t continue on bleaching it again and just color it.

And up until now, I didn’t bleach my hair again before changing the color after the old one faded away.

That’s my rebellion, I guess. I know it was a lame move of rebellion, but I did it because I was stressed and didn’t care anymore. Between the desire and stress, rather than harming myself, I let it out on something I wanted to do but afraid of the result.

Please, you are worth more than just one bad comment to let you down. Nobody own yourself other than you.

Tweet

Till next time, friends.

You Are A Brand Ambassador

Never be discouraged for not having a pretty face or that you are not as pretty as her. You are your own brand ambassador. Do you know why?

Let’s break it down together.

What is a brand ambassador to you? To your understanding?

To me,
A brand ambassador is someone who promoting a brand. I think we all can agree with that. The words ‘Brand Ambassador’ is just sounded so elegant and fancy, but the meaning of it is so simple.

So, that’s bring to my topic for today.

I said that everyone is a brand ambassador. Couldn’t you agree more? Let’s see it from my and yours view. I think you will realise it.

When you heard the word ‘Brand’, your mind immediately think of something like Adidas, Louis Vuitton, etc. Don’t you?

But in this topic, the ‘Brand’ is yourself. For example, your face is the brand of yourself. That’s why, it makes everyone is a brand ambassador. Because, say that you are going out. You will happen to stumble upon someone you never met before. That is when, you are promoting yourself.

Bidding a polite ‘Hello’ to one another is like promoting. You are promoting your face, your voice, so that it can be seen and heard to the others.

You don’t have to set an image for yourself. Because, we never know what’s the future hold for us. Say you are a timid person right now, even in two days, it could change. Maybe you will be a confident person or a cheerful person or even both combined. It never was a bad thing when it happened.

So, promoting who you are is what keep you going.

There’s some people spending their entire life to be someone else and when they get tired of copying, they end up regretting everything they have done.

I feel like it was fun to copy someone or be like someone else, but it’s also a tiring job. It’s exhausting your mental and physical.

But when you are you, you keep on trying to be the best of you. Even when you do so little, but you are satisfied with the result, you are a winner. For always coping with the struggle coming your way and always grateful with what you have.

I hope that you will find a topic or someone that can encourage you to do what you do best and always cheering up on you no matter what your situation is.

lalalandecember

Till next time, friends.

My Thought About Divorce

For some people, this topic might be sensitive. Since a lot of people have gone through this and it might leaves some scars in your heart.

But everyone have their on opinion about Divorce, right? Whether you are still a kid, single ready to mingle, in marriage, or in one yourself. We can argue about this.

But, let’s be honest. You wouldn’t be in one if you are not ready to take one. Before you got married, you must thought about divorce. It is in your mind even in a slightest bit, right?

As I am still single and doesn’t know how it felt. You must be wondering why the hell am I writing about this? It is not that simple. Because, divorce affect everyone in your life. Your kids, parents, sister, brothers, cousins, etc. Here’s why I wrote about this.

In the perspective of a child. I wrote this because I am walking on the line of a breaking family.

It started after my father going behind my mother’s back for having another woman. I would say it was just a affair/ one night stand/ a fling as a child. I still remember clearly in my head when my father gone to approach ‘a singer’ so openly in front of my mother and it was in my father’s brother’s child wedding. So long ago, but the memory is still fresh in my head.

The ‘singers’ was supposed to entertained the wedding and it is a normal thing to approach them and give then a tip as they sing. But it wasn’t about that, it was about the look and intimacy my father gave.

Growing up, I am more closer to my mother. So, I feel what she feels. Because I am always there beside her everyday. She told me everything about her feelings towards my father and how he treated her so poorly. I couldn’t understand what I saw when I was a kid. But right now, I understand everything.

Then why did she stays?
Because she have me and my brothers. Even with everything she have gone through, she stay for us.

This topic was brought recently.
She said, “If he wants to leave, the leave. He can live with his mistress to even his second wife (this was never confirmed), but never come back here.”

At this point, she is ready to give up. Because she she knows that her kids is already grown up. She doesn’t need him anymore, because she can depend on us now.

It wasn’t her who started this, it was him. They are not even in a good term now, they are not talking to each other. But, he’s still here with us. Living together like a perfect family.

With his stubborn attitude and his pride high up, everything is falling apart.

Even thought she said it multiple times, I didn’t want to acknowledge it up until I dream about it.

I was dreaming of him finally leaving the household. He took everything in the house, even the laptop that I bought with my own save-up money. I was screaming for him to stop. Even thought it was just a dream, it felt so real. The hurt that he finally chose his other family and give up everything. It was unfair for me.

I was crying while screaming and begged him to stop taking everything. It was unfair, because he was going to take everything I have and give them to his other child from another woman. It hurts me even in my dream.

It was a dream but it felt so real. I was awoken by that dream because I felt like I was scream in real life while having that dream. I felt breathless when I woke up.

I pretend like him leaving us doesn’t affect me. But that dream is like a wake up call for me. I am afraid if he leaves us.

And for you who feels like me, don't be discourage. Life's go on and you won't feel like this forever. You can go on and we will, together.

For every single parent out there, you are so strong to take care of your child by yourself. Please be happy and share your happiness around you.

lalalandecember

Till next time, friends.

• Today’s blog songs:

1. First Man – Camila Cabello
2. Entertainer – Zayn
3. Youth – Shawn Mendes feat. Khalid

Writing In Tears

I was just trying to write another chapter of my story. The story was leaning towards the climax and I suddenly get emotional. Can anyone relate? It doesn’t have to be writing. Maybe you were suddenly remembering someone and get emotional.

Therefore, I was also listening to a song on shuffle. So I wasn’t trying to play that song, it just came up.

“For your eyes only, I’ll show you my heart
For when you’re lonely and forget who you are”

– If I Could Fly (One Direction)

Besides loving the band and the song. I feel like the song carry so much emotions.

The lyrics and the story that I was writing is just go along.

There’s that and when I saw the banner on Spotify, it was a clip of them that I didn’t know it was played. Spotify is updated now and then, so it keeps on changing. Not long ago, it was also their 10th anniversary.

I think I got emotional for so many reasons. Writing and their anniversary.

I miss One Direction. It’s been so long.

After that song ended, it continued with another one that hit so deep. This song have a deep meaning to him and also to the fans or just anyone who have lost your parent/s or someone.

“But you once told me, “Don’t give up
You can do it day by day”
And diamonds, they don’t turn to dust or fade away”

– Two Of Us (Louis Tomlinson)

Doesn’t that lyrics just touched you?

A song is the best company when you are writing, right? You can go with the flow of the song or you get carried away in your fantasy. Writing doesn’t have to be stuck with one idea. Even a picture can get you an idea and get you somewhere.

When you write, don’t be afraid of overflowing the idea. Write along the idea and slowly. And don’t think too much if someone’s going to like your idea/flow. The main thing when you write is to satisfied yourself in your own fantasy. Isn’t that why you write to perfection?

If reading get you in tears until your eyes become redden, than why don’t with writing?

But I think that I am just a very emotional person, aren’t I? (I am).

Till next time, friends.

• Today’s blog songs:

1. If I Could Fly – One Direction
2. Two Of Us – Louis Tomlinson
3. First Man – Camila Cabello

My Thoughts In 19 Years

I wanted to write this because I want to share my thought with you. We may have the same thought and you might want to know what my answer is.

For the last 19 years of my life, growing up, my emotions are all over the place. Since my childhood to teen life and to adulthood as of now, emotions have been all over the place.

When you are just a kid, throwing a tantrum and grinning like an idiot, people will call you a cute little one. But when you hit teen life, you are preparing yourself for your adulthood and there’s so many changes and responsibilities that you need to carry on your own.

Kids are free-spirited, worryless, and careless. They only eat, sleep, and play. That’s all they do, basically and mostly.
Teens are rebellious, know no stopping, and just go with the flow.
Adults are maintained, careful, and thoughtful.

At some point, we all have been there right?

Age may not matter. But, within the age grows maturity.

You and I have different mindset and I want to talk about my mindset as I hit the adulthood. There’s so many things changes as you graduated from high school. But also, there’s so many choices in front of you.

For me, I have two choice, three honestly. Work, go to Uni, or work while in Uni. Of course I chose to work fresh graduated. As I have been writing since I was in school, I develop myself into writing. I believe that one day, my works will be published.

That was my biggest concern for now.

If you have to choose between your mother or father, can you?
Let’s be honest, I’ll choose my Mom in a heartbeat.

Now is my time to take care of my mother. Writing online such as wattpad and others, I didn’t get a penny out of it. Same as writing a blog here. I’ve been trying to use my social media as a platform to support me. But, most of the time as I take a step forwards, I also take two steps backwards. There’s just been pull and push with social media.

I am so focus on writing for the past couple of years. Will it worth it?
If I keep on doing this and pushing back back the thought of getting a ‘real job’, is it really worth it?

I always think of that. I always make myself believe that it will be worth it in the end, but when? When that thought came, another thought comes. If I have a job, I can help the household. Since my father is now a retireman. But what job that fits my criteria, my background? Even if I found one, I just don’t feel that the job fits me.

And then there’s another thought. I am so close with my mother and she’s not young anymore. Her body is not as fit as she was young and she feel sick at times. I want to be there for her, to help her needs. If I get a job, she will do everything by herself. Like, mopping and ironing. And I just want to be there with her every single day.

Let me know your thoughts these days. That, if you want to share with me.

Till next time, friends.

• Song recommendation:

1. Kim Yuna – Lonely Sailing

Whose Side Am I?

Which stronger DNA am I to?

I can’t lie, I have a pretty strong gens from both of my parents. I hate it and love it altogether.

Imagine a hard-headed, perfectionist, paranoid and a softhearted, kind, caring. These categories just doesn’t really fit perfectly at times. When I need to be strong, I end up being a cry baby. When I need to feel empathy, I can be a strong hard-headed girl.

Let me break it down to you. The first three is my father’s side and the other three is my mother’s side. I know you can already tell which one I hate and love. But either way, I was born to be those six at once.

I would have given up if it’s not because of my mother. Giving up is easy, but staying in for a reason is hard. You need a good and solid reason to be your ground. My father is a really hard-headed man. He hates the most, even my mother can be his hate victim. The more I’ve grown and understand things, my father can be really hurtful with words and hatred for a simple reason.

Having a perfect pictured family is simple. Words spread, but reality is shattered.

Would you agree with the terms “mama’s boy/girl” and “daddy’s girl/boy“?

I personally agree, because I’m a mama’s girl. Didn’t expect that, did you?
But I used to be a daddy’s girl. That was when I was a little kid. I always get what I want, no question asked. That was me when I was just a little kid.

As I grow up, I’m more thoughtful about everything, life, money, etc. Everything is taught by my mother. I grow closer with my mother each day, there’s nothing between us. We tell everything to each other and open to each other.

I have one weakness and I’m going to tell you what it is. My mother.

My mother is a touching subject for me. It bring tears to my eyes every time I talk about my mother. As I am now when writing this blog. Everything about her meant good. And I always try to be like her or at least to be the daughter she asked for. She’s so special and I would never change her for anyone. She’s the one I would ask for.

We have our own criteria for a role model.
She is my role model.
Who’s yours?

She meant good and she did good.

Everything I do is for her and to make her proud. Even though I never told her about what I do online, I’m sure she’s expecting me to be who I am.

I can’t say for you to choose sides. I just want you to be the best children your parents could ask for. Be the reason to stay and give them a reason to always proud of you.

If you ever want to talk or share with me. My email is always open for you putridevita211@yahoo.com

Fun fact:
I don’t even know my blood type!

Till next time, friends.

• Today’s blog song:

1. Mad World – Riverdale Casts
2. Grow Up – Olly Murs
3. Show You – Shawn Mendes

Creativity Behind Lens

Why does it titled ‘Creativity Behind Lens’?

Because, in this time of corona virus era. We are stuck at home to self-isolation. Then what is a better way to express your craziness and passion?

Some people may be still working from home. Some other people are trying to do something in their free time. Or maybe you are stumbled into one thing and realized that you are good at it and then you want to become pretty good at it. Say you like to cook, but never have the time to cook often at home and now you have the time, you use this time to get back at it and end up loving it.

For me especially, I always taking a like into taking picture. It’s either I take picture of an object or I take picture of myself.

I used to be just taking a plain selfies. But I know out there, there’s more than just a selfie. I have gone through so many accounts on Instagram, trying to find my ‘aesthetic’. Up until now, I still can’t figure out my aesthetic and that is why I have so many Instagram at once. It’s a time consuming and frustrating at the same time, because you want all your accounts to be active.

At this very moment, I have two active accounts on Instagram. One for my photography and the other one is my personal account.

Now that I have taken a moment to be more active and creative on my photography side. I have taken many photos by myself (self-portrait). It’s a bit tricky because it could be hard. But I really enjoy it, so it’s fine and exciting.

So, every time I have an idea. I pour it out and try to take the photo. One try is just a trial and you keep on trying to find the perfect spot, angle, and lights. Because that three things is important to create an interesting photo. When you find the prefect spot, but there’s less lights, it’s just won’t be a good result. And it’s all the same cycles with the others. You NEED to find balance in all three.

Here are some of my self-portrait.

©️Personal Document

©️Personal Document

©️Personal Document

©️Personal Document

©️Personal Document

And here are some of the objects I took.

©️Personal Document

©️Personal Document

©️Personal Document

©️Personal Document

©️Personal Document

For someone who is still fresh with photography and editing world, I’m gonna say they turns out good. I am happy with the results.

Don’t be afraid to try. Don’t say you can’t edit a thing. VSCO is the easiest app to me with basics tool and if you want a little bit more tools, use a lightroom mobile. That is the two app I am using as an editing tool. And don’t say you can’t take a picture, because we are born to picture everything even with our eyes.

Have fun doing what you’re doing. And also take a moment to appreciate what the doctor, nurse, etc doing for us.

We live together, we happy together.

And as for you;
I would love to know what your passion in and have you receive them lately?

I think this is where I end the blog.

Till next time, friends.

• Today’s blog song:

1. My Oh My by Camila Cabello feat DaBaby
2. Lights On by Shawn Mendes
3. Let’s See What The Night Can Do by Jason Mraz

Acne oh Pimple

Do you have a problem with acne when you are about to have your period?

Ha, I’m with you there.

I have searched about acne and pimple. They are kind of the same, but different. I don’t do a deep dig into about them. All I know is that pimple is part of acne.

Pimple is more bad than acne? I don’t know.

So, a pimple is usually a singular infected bump. Meanwhile, acne is the presence of several pus-filled breakouts spread across the skin.

What I’m experiencing right now is I can’t even decide. If I say it’s a pimple, there many of them on my face. But if I call it acne, there’s no pus-filled in them. All I’m feeling is just itchiness and all I want to do is just to rub my face so the itchiness is gone. But I know it won’t do my face any good. I know the itchiness will come back. So I tried so hard to hold myself back from scratching my face off.

Now after re-reading about them again, I can say it’s a pimples on my face?

If you experiencing this itchiness on your pimples, don’t scratch or rub your face. Just slowly caress them. I know the itchiness will come back, but it’s for your own good. So you don’t damage your face when it’s finally gone after you had your period.

Anyone have the same problem before your period start?

I’ve heard when you are on the pill, you don’t get period? I don’t know how I feel about that. Let me know if you are on the pill or not and what do you think of it.

I feel like if you’re not sexually active, what is the pill for?
You know what? I’m gonna stop talking about that, because it’s kinda off topic.

So, back to the topic. Everyone’s type of skin is different and they handle it differently. If you have a really bad breakout, maybe you should consult to the professional instead of just curing them yourself. It can be more damaging your face. And remember, it can’t just heal in one day, it needs process. And the process is not easy and fast.

Remember,
Don't touch your face frequently.
Don't change your face product frequently.
Drink more water.
Be more positive in life.

Till next time, friends.

• Today’s blog songs:

1. Mad World – Riverdale Cast.
2. The Simple Thing – Michael Carreon
3. Sunday Best – Surfaces.

Insecurities Through Braveriness

Don’t you think we need to talk about insecurities?

Lately, which I mean since I was born, I feel insecure. Why?

This case is not just in me, I feel like everybody else felt insecure somehow. This are the biggest failure you will have.

Insecurities is like a tail. It will always follow you around wherever you go and it won’t stop until you take the lead. Don’t let the insecurities be your tail, be it your partner. Embrace the insecurities and guide it along with you. Wherever you go, guide your insecurity. Treat your insecurity like you treat yourself. The better you know yourself, the better your insecurity will followed.

Source: https://pin.it/puawn24hiqrilp / aminatattoojournal.hittechy.ru

This happened just today.
I asked a friend to go to the movie. Today was supposed to be the re-scheduled day after I canceled it for a reason. Last time, I have a solid reason, that was because my mom doesn’t feel well, so I want to take care of her, even though she didn’t ask for it. I need to, because I’m the only daughter she have and as a daughter, I want to at least give my best towards her, in every ways.

Then today, we scheduled everything.

She’s my friend through high school and we have spent 3 years in the same classroom and we haven’t meet for months since the last time I saw her. She is the most chill person to be friend with, but I still don’t feel comfortable to approach her again.

Selfishly, I asked her to go to a movie because I want to watch Bad Boys 3 and I haven’t got the chance. I was thinking and thinking who is my available friend at the moment and my thought goes to her. So I asked her and she said yes right away. That’s a relieve.

What went down was when it’s getting close to the time I should leave for the movie. In my heart, I felt like I want to back out, but I also know that I want to do it. Luckily, it was cloudy and time to time it started to drizzle. What I was feeling is scared, but also excited. You know, meeting my friend again and then I was feeling about the judgement. Any kind of judgement, whether it was with words or look.

I felt so bad because I literally stood her up, right?
But then I felt relieve because I’m not gonna leave my home.

You need a push, but you need to participate in that push. Everyone is not gonna force you and make you unhappy. You also need to be willingly push yourself and come around. The first ‘no’, maybe they will still force you. But until the third ‘no’, they are gonna let you go. And that chance are not going to come twice, the experience, the feeling. Even thought you’ve been doing it over and over again. Every experiences have different feelings and situation.
– lalalandecember

Everyone has their perfect little plans, comfort zone, and perfect mindset. It’s okay that somehow you ruin it and just go along with the flow.

Source: bourbonandpearls.tumblr.com

I used to be an Extrovert when I was a kid and somehow I become an Introvert growing up. The changing of time, friends, stages, and environment can change the way to react, thinking, and even they way you talk. Don’t let those things become your fears. I know I talk so saintly, and then you think ‘Why don’t you do what you said?’

My answer is ‘I’M A WORKING PROGRESS.’

Till next time, friends.

• Today’s blog song:

1. Nice To Meet Ya – Meghan Trainor ft Nicki Minaj
2. my strange addiction – Billie Eilish
3. One Thing Right – Marshmello, Kane Brown